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As you are probably aware, the hot topic that crashed Twitter this week was the speculation and eventual announcement of where LeBron James was going to play. I’ll admit that I don’t follow basketball, but I do know who LeBron James is and I know that he’s one of the greatest talents playing in the NBA. Nevertheless, I am confused as to why this guy not only had to have a press conference announcing where he was headed, but announced that he would be having his press conference several days beforehand. Really, dude? You can’t just sign with a new team and announce it afterward like everyone else? Let’s not turn this into a meaningless drama circus, okay?

Oh, wait. You already did. And the media loved every minute of it.

I absolutely hate it when the top story on American news feeds is about a famous person who isn’t really making news. LeBron James’ wherabouts are just the latest example. Others include Lindsay Lohan’s lack of resistance to drugs and alcohol; the latest contraption Lady Gaga wore to a Hollywood event; the endless speculation on whether Brett Favre will play another season in the NFL and if so, where, for the last three years; anything at all about the Kardashinans; the latest on Jon and Kate; and the queen of non-news, Paris Hilton. Anybody else remember her short-lived stint in jail? Why do we even know about that?? She’s rich thanks to the family she’s in, yes, but what has she done that’s noteworthy? She’s not using her well-known last name to promote charity work or some other good cause that would make her a strong role model to the girls that look up to her. She made a sex tape, and that is the only reason why we know anything about her. Had it not gone viral on the Internet, we in the masses wouldn’t give a shit about who she is.

If Lindsay Lohan weren’t an actress, she’d be just another woman struggling with addiction, like millions of others in this country. I hope she receives the help she needs, just as I wish for anyone in her situation.

Lady Gaga dresses up in weird clothing to cover up the fact that she has no musical talent. Marilyn Manson did a similar thing in the ’90s, following the “shock jock” style of Alice Cooper and KISS in the ’70s – only some of Manson’s music is actually good, unlike Gaga’s.

If Jon and Kate wouldn’t have had a litter of kids all at once, they’d be just another average American family. I understand why they have their own show on TLC; people are curious about how the Gosselins manage their super-sized family when most parents feel worn out just by their own, much smaller, family. It’s not the TV show that bothers me – it’s the gossip magazines that follow their every move. I’m sorry, but I don’t need a week-by-week update on how Kate is doing – and I definitely don’t need to see her on Dancing with the Stars. Give me a fucking break.

Brett Favre is a football player. Yes, he’s an NFL football player, but he’s still a football player. He’s one of many guys on a team and they all bust their butts to win games. That’s what they do for a living. However, even in the NFL, the majority of the players are virtual nobodys to the crowd. When one of these guys signs with a different team, ESPN might note the change on the ticker at the bottom of the screen. Otherwise, no one’s speculating about where Joe Jackoff is thinking of playing now that he’s been released from his contract except Joe Jackoff and his family. No one will know about where Joe Jackoff will play next season until after he’s signed a deal. Even he might not know where his future lies until the deal’s done. He’ll just be happy he’s playing football for another season.

That’s how it is for the rest of us, too. The media doesn’t scramble in an analytic frenzy about whether Betty the Baker will send her resume to Chef Duff or start her own cake-making business. No one follows Farmer Fred’s day-to-day activities except for him. No one’s making a fuss about Wendy the Waitress working at Hooters because she earns more tips there than at Applebee’s. And believe it or not, there won’t be a press conference announcing Ann the Avon Lady’s record sales this quarter. Regardless of what we do in life, we go out there, do our jobs, and no one makes a big deal of it. And all things considered, that’s how it should be – for everyone. That includes overpaid athletes whose egos outweigh even their immense talent.

As for the rest of us, we’ve been lulled over the last few years into believing that this kind of “news” really is news because the networks say so. Let’s stop paying attention to this crap. Consider the following from Rob Sheridan when he wrote about Paris Hilton’s jailtime in 2007:

…it starts with us, as a society. As the people who consume this crap. It exists because we keep eating it up. We have to start by not giving one tenth of a shit what Paris Hilton has to say about anything – and even if you’re talking about how much she sucks or laughing at her, you’re still part of the problem, because you’re still keeping the discourse going. Hell, I’m part of the problem by even writing this blog entry, but I’m vowing, right now, that even to make a statement, I will never talk about Paris Hilton ever again. I will never read about her, write about her, or allow myself to be exposed to anything relating to her whatsoever, and I suggest you do the same. Since no one’s ready to start a revolution yet, we can at least take our own baby steps. Next time you see Paris on TV, change the channel. Next time you encounter a news article or a blog post about her, just move right along. When you inevitably see the Larry King interview featured on YouTube, resist the urge to click. Next time someone at the water cooler says “did you see what Paris Hilton did?” ask them if they know who their senators are. Don’t even lecture them, just change the subject. Don’t even talk about people talking about her too much. Don’t even talk about not talking about Paris Hilton. Let’s all, as a culture, just move on. But before you give your brain a Paris colonic, contact CNN and tell them that you’re never, ever going to watch their network again, because you’re tired of shallow entertainment masquerading as news. Tell them if their entire broadcast day was one tenth as insightful as one episode of The Daily Show‘s fake news broadcast – they’d have a good start. And while you’re at it, drop an e-mail to the editors of People Magazine and give them a nice list of all the good things a person could do for the world with $300,000 – $300,000 of course being the amount People agreed to pay for photos of Paris Hilton to accompany a print interview.

Think about it, people. Our country is dealing with two wars, an oil spill, an unstable economy, and a bunch of other fucked-up shit, and we’re filling our minds with empty, no-value “entertainment” news that has little or no consequence to just about everyone? That’s just sad. Downright sad.

Again, in the fine words of Rob Sheridan, “Can we please, as a culture, just move on?”