It's been a mentally exhausting week. Nothing in particular is wrong or adding extra chaos or anything like that...it's just one of those times where my anxiety spikes for no real reason and makes everything more tiring and difficult. It makes the bare minimum of what I have to accomplish throughout the week a small victory. It drains away the motivation to do other things that I know are good for me, like exercising — but when you start your day with depleted mental energy, using your physical energy for the sake of breaking a sweat seems foolish, not beneficial, even when you know that train of thought is wrong. You fight yourself over it anyway and you somehow feel damned no matter what you choose, and that makes you feel even worse. Lovely cycle, right? And, on top of it all, I've been waking up in the middle of the night for several nights in a row and not falling back asleep for at least a couple of hours. Sleep deprivation certainly hasn't helped in terms of clearing my head or my mood and I feel slightly dead.
All of this is just shit that my brain does sometimes and, when it does, the best thing I can do is acknowledge it and work with it rather than against it. Mental illness sucks because no matter how well your meds work, no matter how many positive coping mechanisms you've developed, it doesn't completely take the struggle away. You don't know if or when mental illness will intrude in your life and for how long, but you must deal with it whenever it takes residence in your brain. The good news is that a) I'm still here and b) I've learned over time that in my brain, whichever misfiring brain chemicals are causing the problem do eventually sort themselves out and living will be fun and normal again. That just wasn't this week.
Camera: iPhone 6s